Memory

Memory for me has always been a weird thing. Since I was little I was constantly forgetting little things like my lunch box or water bottle, a trend I only recently grew out of in college. Also, things people said went in through one ear and out the other. It’s hard enough listening, but remembering is a separate thing. It seems I can only remember one piece at a time. If someone asks me to get 2 cans of beans, either I’d remember to get two of… something, or just to get beans, but not how many. Sometimes, while trying to fill in blanks, I “hallucinate” or exaggerate details, which has gotten me in a lot of trouble sometimes.

Short term memory is pretty normal for me at this point, I’ve developed habits over they years to get around that. Long term memory is another thing however. I can remember events as usual, but without any sort of timeframe. Often times when I need to recall memories I rely on external cues, such as the fact I was in elementary school when it happened, meaning I was less than 11. Due to this fact, when trying to create a coherent story based on past experiences, I find I have to make up specific times for events, or vaguely hand wave about the time in between. This also means that, retrospectively, I perceive time almost logarithmically. A day or two ago seems normal, but weeks feel like a while ago, and months blur together. That doesn’t mean short-term memory isn’t an issue. Sometimes, something will suddenly pop into my head, but when I try to think about it just after, my mind draws a blank, which is why I try to act on that thing or note it down as fast as possible before it goes away, which some people see as impulsive. Lately, I have to desperately trace back my thought process just to find that thought again.

Idk what triggered it, but sometime ago, I had an crisis regarding my memory as a whole. If I can’t remember what someone told me 2 seconds ago, or when I won the Wood Derby, then how can I trust myself with such information? Was it really true, or is that something else my mind made up to fill in the blanks? It’s gotten to point where I constantly second guess myself, and if someone points out a flaw in what I recall, I go into a panic. I’m only 18 and I already fear memory loss. After all, who am I without my past experiences?